“I can’t do this, Mom; it’s too hard!” Our children often find it difficult to accept failure, which can leave them feeling frustrated, sad, ashamed, or even lower their self-esteem. Many children experience high emotions or even begin to avoid things when they face challenges and new scenarios because they want to protect themselves from the pain of failure.1 It’s okay to fail; We learn by failing. It is a necessary part of success because learning from our biggest mistakes can teach us courage, problem-solving skillsStrength and wisdom in ways that success cannot.2 There are amazing opportunities for children and their growth when they understand that it is okay to fail.
Why is learning through failure important?
We learn through failure. If we can support our children and help them deal with failure, they will be better equipped to get back up and try again. If we fail, we can use that experience to help us in the future. We grow and increase our knowledge, experience and resilience. We also learn the value of hard work and appreciate the benefits when we succeed. And it helps us to develop further compassion and humility.2.3 I’m sure you’ll agree that these are all wonderful qualities we want to instill in our children!
Why saving children does more harm than good
Many parents do everything they can to protect their children from mistakes and failures. It is normal and natural to want to protect your little one from sadness, disappointment, heartbreak, etc distress. However, this act of protection can deny our children the opportunity to learn through failure. When we interfere and do things for our children (under the guise of “helping” them), we inadvertently tell them that we don’t believe they can do it or that we are better than them. This, in turn, can have a negative impact on their well-being and self-confidence.4 Of course, this isn’t the intention of most parents, but it can be an unintended consequence.
By protecting our children from failure, we are also preparing them for failure. They will fail when they grow up and we won’t be there to step in. I don’t say this meanly; this is true. Ultimately, they get passed over for a job or an award, make a mistake, or miss out on something they wanted. If they don’t learn by failing in their early years, they won’t have the skills later on to persevere, learn how to overcome problems that stand in their way, and ultimately succeed independent or able to cope with the challenges that life brings to all of us.2.4 As the old saying goes, “Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind,” and letting our children fail is one of those times.
Here’s how to talk to your child about learning through failure
Although it is important to give our children the space to make mistakes and fail, it is equally important to equip them with the right skills and support them when they fail. This way they can make the most of failure and instead turn it into an opportunity to grow. Here’s how you can help your child deal with failure:
1. Teach them a growth mindset
We can teach our children to learn from their mistakes by helping them develop a growth mindset. This is a mindset in which they view defeat or failure as something that happens to them and not to themselves. Challenges, obstacles and disappointments are welcomed and seen as an opportunity to learn and grow rather than a defeat.5 A growth mindset empowers children and changes the way they view and respond to mistakes.
You can help them learn through failure by having conversations after a challenge or mistake. Identify what went wrong but also how to fix it. Focus on their strengths and how they can use or apply them to find a solution. For example, you could say, “I know it’s frustrating that your blocks have fallen. Why do you think they fell over? I wonder if they weren’t stacked neatly and that’s why they fell over. What can we do next time?”
2. Let them experience failure
Yes. Just don’t rush into it (as hard as that may feel). If we allow small mistakes now, they will have the skills to deal with bigger mistakes later. For me, it’s not about situations in which your own safety or that of others is at stake, but about simple things like tying your shoelaces or preparing a snack. Sure, they may not get it perfect the first time, but they will learn and, more importantly, increase their skills Self-esteem and feel good when they learn through failure that they can handle things.
3. Don’t rush your feelings about failure
If you rush to help, it may be because you want to protect your child from this distress. I know it doesn’t feel good, but I promise it’s okay for your child to feel uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes fear of failure is about fear of the emotions that come with failure. So let them be uncomfortable with learning through failure. I’m not saying you shouldn’t offer comfort to your child, but don’t rush to make things right for your child. You can try to problem-solve, help them find some self-regulation tools, or offer them a hug. But don’t diminish their experience or rush into it. We don’t want our children to be afraid of their feelings; They need to experience them to know that they can handle them and that feelings don’t last forever.
4. Be open to people who learn through failure
Share times when you failed and overcame the problem or challenge. Find books about famous people who failed – some scientists made mistakes that led to world-changing discoveries, and authors persevered and ended up selling books that topped the charts. Watch TV shows or read books and identify failures or challenges and how you overcame them. It will help your child develop a growth mindset towards failure and normalize that everyone makes mistakes.
There is no easy path or process that can help our children overcome failure and learn through failure. It inevitably means some annoyance or distress. But as parents, we must help our children learn to deal with mistakes because it is the only way they will develop the mindset and resilience needed to turn a mistake or failure into an opportunity. We need to help our children see failure as a stepping stone to success and as something they should value rather than avoid.
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