For as long as I can remember, all I wanted to do was become a mother. Before I settled down, I longed for a stable relationship, a comfortable home and a large family. For the chance to care for, raise and love my babies. Although I have never lost faith in this dream, I have sometimes wondered what the future holds. If I could go back to my pre-motherhood days, I would encourage myself to enjoy the journey and trust in the process. More than that, I begged the woman I was before I had children to have compassion and grace for myself.
For the woman I was before I had children
This is for you, my past self. . . the woman I was before I had children. To the woman reading this, may it speak to your heart too.
Dear self before motherhood,
I hope this letter comforts you. You always knew what you longed for, but you had a lot of blurry vision and a lot of tears. I know you don’t know it yet, but you still have a lot more to come. Just wait.
I know your heart was heavy with anticipation and longing, but it won’t last forever.
I know you see happy families and wonder when you’ll be able to start your own, but you will. And when you do, it will be all yours. Bigger than your wildest dreams come true.
I know that you go to bed at night, look at the starry sky and wonder where in the world your person is. I wonder what your children will be like. I wonder when you’ll meet her. To hold on to them. To appreciate them. Trust me . . . Your time will come. Your will too.
They will take a victory lap
I know you feel like you’re behind others who are similar in age. As if you were running a marathon, or at least a never-ending but somehow not yet started race. But trust me. Your victory lap is still waiting for you. That’s not it. There is more.
I know you are thinking about whether you are on the right path. If the place you are now somehow leads you to where you want to be. Trust me, it will. Just go on. And protect yourself in the process.
You see, my dear, my former self, the best is yet to come. It may not feel like it now, but it is true. Trust me.
One day you will think about your path and it will all make sense. I promise.
Your 20s will not be wasted. No, my dear, they shape you and prepare you. I’ll prepare you. Those years of wondering, wondering, yearning and yearning? They prepare you for who you will become – and for everything that lies ahead.
Because, my dear former self, it is coming.
And before you know it, you’ll find yourself settling. Maybe not where you imagined, but where you’re meant to be.
Soon you will see these two pink lines. You will meet your beautiful little girl. And not long after, your precious little boy. They will be everything. Maybe you don’t believe it now. In fact, you still might not believe it. Because everything will be so, so good. You will realize that they may have been waiting for you too. You’ll see.
You will find a new non-stop
Soon, your uninterrupted days of doing things your way—and those quiet, restless nights—will become a new nonstop. One full of walking, walking, walking for everyone but you, tossing and turning as much. Only this time to appease brand new people. One in each arm to rock and hold and cuddle and sing lullabies.
Tiny voices say “Mama” as their arms reach out to yours. You stroke the bouncy blonde locks as you stare into the biggest brown and bright blue eyes, and they stare back just as lovingly. You will finally know about that love that everyone is talking about. . . everyone except apparently you. And it will be even bigger than you can imagine.
Meanwhile, you’ll look back and scratch your head at some of the decisions you make during this time of waiting. Every step, every job, every relationship and situation and everything in between. You’ll wonder who you were back then – before that great big love – while at the same time longing for little pieces of that free-spirited, carefree, suddenly long-gone (but deep down inside you really still exist) time before motherhood ( or should I say myself?).
Because your past and your future self will always evolve. Coexist. To be there. Grow. Your path will not always make sense. But you will get to where you always wanted to be. Just wait. Really, my past self, you’ll see.
You will find strength and joy
In everything that awaits you, you will discover not only your greatest tests of strength but also your greatest joys. You will find that strength; Oh, you’ll find it. And alongside that, you will discover a love, a courage, a perseverance and a faith within you that you have never known. But somehow it was there the whole time. On your journey you will rediscover yourself. Again and again.
And even though your wildest dreams come true, you’ll continue to wonder if you’re doing things right. Successful in your motherhood. And at the same time you manage to be more than just a mother. You won’t always feel like you’re doing things right, but you are. Trust me.
Because, my dear former self, I know you. I know you all the time because I’ve been there the whole time. You were there the whole time. You in all your strength, love, big dreams, ups and downs and longings.
For the woman I was before I had children, you have come a long way and have an incredible journey ahead of you. You never gave up and it will only go uphill from here. Wherever your journey takes you – and soon to the precious babies you have prayed for your whole life – please know that you have this. Always.
Trust me.
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